.:: The StrongBrain Collective ::.

I have to shake my head in disbelief. And then when things don't change, I shake harder. And then I bang my head. And then, when reality still doesn't hit home, I become very nervous that the last hit of acid I took last week must have really done some damage.

I awoke today to news that Arnold Schwarzenegger has soundly defeated Gary Coleman, a couple of porn freaks, and a real politician for California's gubernatorial seat. Perhaps I've been living on a Yellow Submarine, a Yellow Submarine, a Yellow Submarine, but is this for real? Did this really happen? What else happened while I was gone in Mad Hatter-ville? Did Rambo parachute into the dense jungles of Vietnam and take out Saddam and three hundred of his republican guard with a bow, three exploding-tip arrows and a knife with a compass in the handle? Is Steven Seagal taking over for Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes? Are the Red Sox playing the Yankees in the playoffs? Indeed, that must've been some strong acid. I mean, wow!

I need to catch up, so I have five queries. Can y'all help me out?

(1) Was Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign slogan titled "Total Recall"? *
(2) Did he ever kill a thousand people with a gun that never ran out of ammo while those same thousand people with far superior firepower seemingly couldn't shoot the sky if they aimed up?
(3) Did he ever smear himself with mud to avoid the media whose eyes were only equipped to see infrared light? (Until the second movie.)
(4) Did he get accused of groping some ladies? And then did he attempt to mollify his female supporters by becoming pregnant with Danny DeVito at his side?
(5) Did he use cheesy one-liners to galvanize the crowd after murdering someone in grotesque and creative fashion, like "Stick around!" or "I had to let him go!" or "Let off some steam!" or "Consider that a divorce!" or "Hasta la Vista baby!"?

Well, as you can tell, I don't have a firm grip on reality. I blame that on violence in movies, ironically perpetrated by my favorite bad actor -- and new governor -- Arnold, uh, S. (I'm tired of copying and pasting his surname. Why didn't get a new one when he got off the boat like every other immigrant? "Soares" maybe?) And try as I might to be serious or excited about the prospect of a new governor in this pathetically governed state, I can't get past the fact that I've seen this guy's ass in two separate movies!

Seriously, though, I truly hope he makes huge strides in education, his strongest and most earnest platform. California needs it. Because as it stands right now, the state is firing teachers to have the money to build more prisons to one day house the kids they're no longer teaching. Conundrum anyone?

* This question was not my creation. My friend Rich Sisson asked me that a while ago, but I laughed, so I decided to pass it off as my own, wonderful person that I am.