.:: The StrongBrain Collective ::.

What does every child despise about the Christmas season?

Christmas Day.

That acute, draining feeling of letdown after the final gift was furiously unwrapped requires intense counseling; or did for me anyway.

"No more presents?" I would always wonder. Then I would look to the pile of gifts I had already opened with disappointment, not because I didn't sincerely appreciate what I was given, but because there were no more surprises. My life was once again predictable and set. I had to move on. For kids, it isn't the gifts that they receive that creates such enthusiasm, it's the anticipation.

After the gift exchange was completed, it was: "Okay, kids. Time to clean up! Put everything away, take down the ornaments! No time for play now. Help your mother cook food, then wash dishes, then get yourself to bed! Play tomorrow!"

But then "tomorrow" was cold and disordered, plus the driveway needed shoveling. Already I'd be longing for the next Christmas Eve level of anticipation, because that's what I really enjoyed.

Nowadays, I may not be any more mature, but I'm certainly the wiser. Today, Christmas gifts are requested ahead of time. There is no surprise. "Hey mom, I need some new socks. I could use a new book or two. Hear that new Eminem CD?"

However, that level of anticipation has repositioned itself within my strong brain. And this is why, as the title of this article suggests, I'm scared.

Scared shitless, even. Literally. I am so scared that I can't keep shit in my body. It's like urinating out of my rectum. Yes, I said it. I am that scared. I am that scared because, in few short, anxious days, I will be listening to the opening chords of Howard Shore's score of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. The final installment. The final installment of the film translation of my favorite novel of all-time!

I am not scared about the film itself. Obviously, it will be the best out of the three, which are already on my list of best films ever (see my article relating that fact.) Obviously, it will live up to all expectations, even transcend those same expectations, while concurrently leaving me speechless, with a severe case of piloerection.

The film's quality itself, however, is not what begets my fear.

What has me shivering in my vivid dreams, what has me constantly wondering how to go on with my banal, prosaic existence, what has me defecating non-solid poops, is what to do at 3:30 am, Wednesday the 17th? In the short term, I will sleep. Then I will -- ugh -- work. But then I will have achieved what every child dreads about Christmas. It's over! No more! Nothing left to unwrap!

That, dear friends who relate to my level of puerile insanity, is what I mean by "scared". Since 1999 when I first caught wind of this impending endeavor, I have daily been reading and reading and watching and watching anything and everything to do with Peter Jackson's undertaking. I was skeptical at first, but my fears have since been allayed. For four years I have been following every step of this film.

And during that time, everything film-wise has been considered in relation to LOTR. For example:

"I don't care that Star Wars was a pukeafiable disaster. LOTR comes out in December."

"I don't care that I paid cashmoney for AI, LOTR is on its way."

"I don't care that I got fired today, I still have $8.50 with which to watch LOTR."

Et cetera.

Now, I know what you're all thinking, if you're actually still reading after the piss-out-the-ass visual: "Jeez Chappy, you do know that there will be other movies that blow (lack of) your hair back, right?! There will be other movies that demand your love and respect and appreciation!

I agree, dear friends, I agree. Of course, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Edward Norton Jr. (widely regarded as the best actor of his generation) and company will come out with quality, Oscar-worthy films each year. Julia Roberts might even participate in a delightful romantic comedy. Adam Sandler might return to his acceptable days of Billy Madison. Ten feel-gooey-inside films will be developed. There is another year of "The Sopranos" (thanks be to god). I mean, there are things to look forward to.

But, I don't have another favorite novel. I love fantasy. Some might say that Homer initiated the genre with "The Odyssey" and "The Iliad", but Tolkien perfected it. And to have your favorite novel developed utilizing your second favorite medium, and then to have it done so well and with such care, is something I will cherish for ever and ever and ever and anon.

And it's been something that I've looked forward to for years. Years of my film life have entirely been influenced by LOTR. How do I go on? Should I? Are movies worth it after 3:30 a.m. December 17th? Please email me your suggestions, because I am entirely befuddled and cannot describe an answer that will satiate my desire to never watch another film again.

Ah, fuck it. I guess I'll watch Episode III. Hopefully, George Lucas fired his entourage of "yes-men" and got down to business for this one.