.:: The StrongBrain Collective ::.

It dawned upon me the other night what a sham "Natural Selection" and "Evolution" -- so-called scientific "laws" -- are. While Darwinism may account for the extinction of the dinosaur, the Dodo bird, and the Caribbean Monk Seal, it fails to provide a compelling explanation for the imminent mass exodus of the glorious spork.

Little is known as to the origins of this utilitarian marvel, but one thing is clear: The spork faces a very uncertain future. A unique hybrid of spoon and fork, the mighty spork has been diminishing in popularity and in use in recent years. Taco Bell has long since abandoned the spork as a dining option, and, save for a lone KFC (on 2nd Avenue and 70th street) which continues to acknowledge the authority of the spork, many others have followed suit. Why? Influential and outspoken spork opponents have brainwashed the masses into believing that the spork is "uncomfortable", "flimsy" or "outdated." While these arguments are ridiculously without merit, not to mention value-laden, I ultimately fear for the future of America. I fear our steady progression toward an Aryan Utensil Nation, steeped in Spoon and Fork Supremacy values.

My friends, these are dangerous grounds upon which we tread -- very dangerous indeed -- for we overlooketh the innumerable advantages of the spork. In addition, I find it disconcerting that a society that purports to advocate form and function (e.g., The Pull-out Couch, The Alarm Clock/Radio, The CornNut) can just as easily pass judgment on this National Treasure. Copied by civilizations the world over, the spork is more than just an utensil -- it is a philosophy. Fundamental doctrines of independence, harmony and efficiency are survived vis a vis this formidable Unitensil: fundamental doctrines that have sustained our very society, riddled with hypocrisies as it may be.

Perhaps some of you -- stubborn, unfeeling, wretched souls -- may continue to underestimate the profound ramifications of the spork's impending doom. Consider this: Is there a more eco- and amputee-friendly alternative out there? Let us not waste one single moment, let us end this madness before it goes too far. Let our grandchildren and our grandchildren's children experience the joy and bewilderment of the Unitensil for years to come. Join me in the crusade to end sporkicide!